Worst Date Ever 

Readers' tales of dating woe.

Page 5 of 7

It was the first real "date" I had ever been on, so I was a little excited. I put on a dress and heels and got all pretty. We decided to meet at the other restaurant in town. He showed up in his cowboy best: Stetson, large belt buckle, new dark Wrangler jeans. But he was really shy, so I did most of the talking. I asked him what he liked to do for fun. He said he basically just works on his ranch with the cows. He didn't like to read, watch movies, watch TV, or do anything besides work with his cows. He said he golfed once the prior year. Then he started telling me about his ranch in South Dakota: how big it was, how he was doing really well, etc. All he needed next in his life, he said, was a wife and babies. This was after about 45 minutes of talking. Needless to say, there were a lot of moments of awkward silence after that. I couldn't believe he was already talking about babies! I couldn't imagine myself in a town smaller than where I lived, thumbing through catalogs and ordering furniture amidst herds of cattle. Not the life for me. After dinner, he asked me if I wanted to go across the street to the bar at his hotel, where some of his rancher friends were. I thought if he started drinking he might loosen up. So I agreed. We got there and he and all his rancher friends sat around talked about — you guessed it — cattle. I got bored so I watched Monday Night Football. At the end of the game, I exclaimed to no one in particular, "Yes! All my football picks were great!" "Pigs?" asked one of the ranchers next to me, excitedly. "Did you say 'pigs?' Are they for sale?" "No!" I blurted back. "Picks! As in, football?" I replied. Clearly, these guys thought about nothing else but livestock. My date then leaned over and asked me, "You don't seem to know very much about cattle, do you." "Um, no, I don't," I said. "We should go see the cattle barn, right now," he said. "Now?" I asked. This was at midnight, mind you. I turned him down several times, but finally agreed to go check it out. We drove to the cattle sale barn in my car. I was hoping to just leave him there. The smell of the place was awful — there were about 55,000 cattle there. We walked over the cows on this metal grate called the "catwalk." I tottered in my heels, trying not to fall through. He led me around, showing me all the different types of cattle. "That there is a 700-pound heifer," he said, pointing to one of the cows in the dark. "Oh, wow," I said, trying to feign enthusiasm. We got to the end of the "catwalk" under the moonlight as thousands of cattle milled about underneath us and I thought this was his moment to try and lay one on me. Sensing this, I quickly turned around. "Well, I'm pretty tired," I said. "We should probably head back." We walked back to my car and I drove him to his hotel. Before he got out, he leaned over to give me a good-night kiss. I closed my eyes and mouth, hoping it'd be as harmless and least intrusive as possible. Not only did he try to pry my mouth open with his tongue, but he then proceeded to LICK MY ENTIRE FACE — big, long licks over my eyes, my cheeks, the whole thing. My face was completely wet. I think my look of horror prompted him to finally stop. I thought that'd be the end of it, but no. The next week, he sent me flowers at my work. I told him that he was nice but I just wanted to remain friends and that I didn't think we had a romantic connection. He seemed a little bummed, but clearly didn't get the message. The next week, he came in with a ticket for two for a Caribbean cruise. Again, I had to let him down gently. He was a nice guy, but I just couldn't see myself as a cattle-rancher's wife. Plus the whole licking incident made me wonder just how close he had gotten to his cows.


Vacation from Hell

It was 1961 — I was 21 and quite naive — I was in Puerto Rico on vacation and met a very big, handsome Puerto Rican man who took me to his job site at a hotel. While we were in his cabin, he tried to rape me. I screamed and miraculously the house detective just happened to be walking through that isolated area at that moment with all the keys.

In 1961 people weren't known for carrying knives and guns. Thank goodness I will never forget that!!

Anne, Oakland

A Date at Church

My worst date was when I met a man from ad of your newpaper about this dating service located San Rafeal city area They printed my name and phone number And I got a call from a man I told him I cant find a sitter for my son He said fine no problem. He took me and my son to our neighborhood fast food restaurant church fried chicken, we talk little ate drunk and 45 minutes later my son said he wanted to go home. As me and son walked the man to the West Oakland Bart Station he all of the suddenly sput out "my God man this date have been a diseaster. You bought your son along. We ate drank and I've spend 45 minutes with you" As he went on and on I had a tight scare smile on my face. He look at his watch and said "Yeah only 45 with you." As he was about to go to the Bart Station he said to me "Sold thank you for taking you out" "Thank you and I really had a nice time" I said then added He walked away with a disgusted look on his and as I walked home I said to my son "I don't do this again. I seem to meet losers, jerks" then the next 2nd man that called me and my son had 1 year of wonderful time with him then he dump me Now I got a next door neigbor male friend who use to be close to me and me and son are happy that way


Hint of Mint

It was my junior year at Michigan State University, my dorm mate Ostrowski approached me and said, "how wouldja like to go out with a Philly from Philly on a double date with me and my honey?" As he said this he pulled out of his wallet a picture of his girl Michelle who was standing with her girlfriend Vanessa from Philly. "There she is Doug ... ya just can't say no to this one ... I mean Michelle told me she's into artistic types ... you know those assthethes" ha! ha! he chortled at his own pun. As I scanned the photograph I could see she had marvellous auburn hair and beautiful blue eyes that looked like a tranquil sky without any clouds ... eternal translucent blue which stirred my artistic senses not to mention my gonads. The spittin image of Grace Kelly ... she was. I couldn't say no. I was ready to head out the door and go anywhere with Ostrowski and his girl so long as Vanessa was there.

We agreed to meet the girls at a fancy Italian restaurant off campus called La Cenerentola and like Cinderella I felt the night of the big ball had come. I was nervous with anticipation and I started popping one green Cert in my mouth after another. I told Ostrowski I had better go to the bathroom one more time and also check out my suit and tie to see that I looked okay. Ostrowski thought that was a good idea too. After I did my thing I went over to check myself in the mirror. I looked straight on, left and right, saw that my hair was in place, etc.

Everything looked fine and then I smiled to check out my pearly whites.


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