Waiting Patiently for a New Alphaville Record 

Things you need to know to avoid cultural ostracism.

Impending Concert Experience, Crabby

Oh good, Les Claypool is playing the Fillmore New Year's Eve again. Devout fans: "Les Claypool sounds much better when you're on shrooms!" Appropriate rebuttal: "Shrooms sound much better when you're not listening to Les Claypool."

Impending Concert Experience, Jovial

Oaktown boys the Phenomenauts are opening for Claypool, though. Go see what bizarre, ingenious crowd-elating contraption they've built out of power tools, vintage action figures, and duct tape this time around. Long live the Toilet Paper-ator.

This Song Will Change Your Life

Youth Group, "Forever Young." Yes indeed, this space is hopelessly enraptured by a cheesy indie band's cover of Alphaville's cheesy '80s prom classic, culled from one of those Music from the OC soundtracks.

As an ESPN.com columnist is fond of saying, "I will now light myself on fire."

Post-Gift Exchange Dilemma

Picking the very first song to play on your bitchin' new stereo/iPod. A ceremonial decision every bit as fraught with meaning and sentimentality as figuring out what to name your newborn child.

Post-Gift Exchange Solution

The answer, incidentally, is Abba's "Dancing Queen." You're welcome.

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