The World Is an Oyster 

We didn't write that headline, but it's quite possible you did.

I wonder how annoyed my students might be if they knew that for the seven years I've taught college English in Oakland and San Francisco, I was keeping a logbook of their gaffes and foibles. If any former students are reading this -- sorry, guys! But hey, everybody makes mistakes. The following literary bloopers come verbatim from my classes in literature, composition, business writing, and English as a second language.

An A for Effort

• As usual, it was a conflict between the states and the feral government.

• We are one nation under God, according to our four fathers.

• My new car looked great, but it made an offal sound.

• An American boy was canned in Singapore.

• I wonder what it was like when the universe began with a big boom.

• Bone appetite!

Personal Revelations

• There's nothing I love better than a midnight snake.

• I hope the seeds of peace will spray all over the world.

• As a young child, I was an odd ball.

• I need to increase my self-steam.

• Sometimes I worry that my daughter will turn into a drug attic.

• I think that the government is washing people's brains.

• I sprang my wrist.

• My mother is finally eating the fruits of her labor.

• I had to pea so badly!

• I had to learn about my girlfriend in butts and pieces.

• I insist that my children will Finnish high school.

• I plan to recruit a Tudor to help me with my writing.

• I will try to curve my bad habits.

Archie Bunkerisms

• Children tend to believe that the world is an oyster.

• Men are expected to grab the bull by the horns and kiss her.

• It's a morality of "eye for an eye, ear for an ear."

• This is a movie that will really blow your mind up.

• Riddles can make us think beyond a box.

• This will not become a problem if we nip it in the mud.

• As FDR said, we have nothing to fear but ourselves.

True Enough

• Big companies don't care if their TV commercials are exploding little girls!

• Many cultures around the world regard the face as an important body part.

• Now that Chinese people could afford it, the VCR became a hot cake.

• Most people want to maintain the starter's quo.

• Poe was a cleaver writer.

• Good teachers pay a tension to our students ... they can help the students stay interesting in school.

• Everyone loves sex, just as poets do.

• My uncle made us children laugh with his facial jesters.

• The world must vanish racism!

• Men and women are involved in a battle of the sexies.

• There was a police officer correcting the traffic.

• This restaurant served a wild variety of seafood.

• The owner of that restaurant is a roll model.

• The Civil War greatly affected Emily Dickinson's cannon.

• The writer has quite a formattible argument.

• There were many American shows on TV, but I had to work, so this was a mute point.

• For most arranged marriages, the selected groom will be a goon match for the bride.

• The Greeks wanted women only for breading purposes.

• Black people were portrayed as lustful and glutinous.

• Children are increasingly wild and weird.

Appreciating Literature

• Titania had love for Bottom's ass.

Midsummer Night's Dream is a lightheaded comedy.

• Richard Wright wanted to be a wrighter.

• Richard Wright's hatred towards his father is unbelievable and unexplainable but understandable.

• Richard Wright was the valid Victorian of his class.

• Walt Whitman's subjects range from spiders to sex to New York.

• Emily Dickinson had an unspeakable romance.

• Being a woman, Emily Dickinson was inundated with men.

• H.L. Mencken is very self-riotous.

• Dickinson writes about life as a dead person.

• Edgar Allan Poe writes about the spiritual and financial worlds.

• The writer threw in a hidden massage.

Spell-Check Disasters

• Saddam Hussein is a treat to our nation.

• With so much pressure on us these days, every student needs to clam before a test.

• Emily Dickinson's poetry can be summed up in one word: bazaar!

• It was as if I had a guardian angle!

• This will really help society as a hole.

• I give this movie "two thumps up!"

• Saddam Hussein might be building unclear bombs!

• I'd better clam down!

• These days, women are all expected to be slime.

• Most large corporations have a chief excessive officer.

• Chelsea Clinton is Bill Clinton's doubter.

• The world's favorite soft drink is Cock Cola.

Creative Metaphors

• Daniel crushed me to him like a mother gorilla protecting her child.

• Words without pictures are like birds without cages.

• I opened my eyes and rose from bed like a little chicken looking for her mother.

• The old ladies were staring into space like robots on a secret mission.

• His car was loose and sloppy like eggs over easy when you cut into them.

Poetic Licensure

• Questions and insecurities jabbed at my helpless flesh.

• We announced our wish to be married before God over a microphone.

• The music is so happy that it is basically impossible to keep your toes from jumping, your head from swinging, and an ear-to-ear grin all over your face.

• He had a look on his face that could only come from someone who had just laughed his ass off.

Poignant Observations

• Childhood is an incredibly important period in the life of a developing child.

• One important character in Richard Wright's autobiography is none other than Richard Wright himself.

Midsummer Night's Dream is an imaginary world that Shakespeare imagines.

• Shelley writes about his personal ideas from his own conscious mental perspective.

• This autobiography was written by the author and about the author.

• Decisions decide everything.

• It's thought-provoking and it makes us think.

• Our manager managed with a level-headed head.

• The writer supports his reasons with many good reasons.

• Many poets enjoy writing about life.

• Thai food originated in Thailand.

Timeless Aphorisms

• We should never jump into the fire without a frying pan.

• All that glitters is not worth its weight in gold.

• Unlike most adults, children are imaginary.

• Even the holidays are sad when you are laminating over a lost love.

• In America, everyone loves movie stars and high-class socialists.

• Most cultures have a time when everyone gathers together to eat a freshly slaughtered cow.

• Literature will live on in the past, presence, and future.

• A good waitress will constantly replenish your fluids.

• In China, a wedding planner is a commodity, not a calamity.

• To be free from the monkey of the world on your back is to lose a load of bananas.

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