Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Slap Hitter: Hurts so Good

Tue, Apr 22, 2008 at 4:57 PM

The A's have the fewest home runs in the world. Chase Utley, a second baseman for the Phillies has more homers than Oakland does. And Frank Thomas, "the Big Hurt", alum from the 2006 Athletics is back on the market. Let's get him! For sure he's two years further past his prime, Lord knows he can't run, but we don't either. Every spring the A's vow that this is the year we're a runnin', and by May day it's clear that we don't. This year though we're winning. It's been with smoke, mirrors and a staff full of number-five starters but as long as we aren't paying Thomas' salary where's the hurt?

Here are the only costs that come to mind if you're the Athletics:

We'll have to send one of our interchangeable powerless outfielders back to the minor leagues.
We'll take away at bats from designated slap hitter ('08 edition) Mike Sweeney.
We'll have to get uniform number 35 back from Dana Eveland (we can have the players arm wrestle for it)
Joe Blanton will have some competition getting to the post-game spread.
We might need to buy a few more baseballs, as some will leave the yard during play.
We'll have to pinch run now and then.
If there's a brawl, Thomas could hurt somebody.
If there's a reason to give a high five Thomas could hurt somebody.

The fans biggest worry is that we might be breaking up a good thing. The A's are in first and the team is beginning to believe, which is all the more reason to pick up the prorated salary of big Frank. Because when the chimes strike midnight on the A's comical and illogical run, it will take a guy with the skills of Frank Thomas to turn back the clock.— Kibby Kleiman

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