Jerry's Big Day 

Let New Cathedral bells chime, for our perpetual bachelor weddeth, the national news media descendeth, and it well befits us to lampooneth.

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Keep that Latin dictionary handy. You never know when the mayor will cut loose with an epigram from St. Ignatius, so be sure to bone up on your dead languages. Why, just the other day he told us, "Olim bona erat Oakland, sed omnes viae Sacramentum ducunt."

Hey, is that Warren Beatty? Jerry has lots of Hollywood friends, so be sure you mention which ones came to the wedding. And what they were wearing. If Woody Harrelson is sporting a hemp vest, get that up front -- and check if his eyes are bloodshot while you're at it.

Finally, avoid these pitfalls. Some things Jerry just doesn't like to talk about, and it's best if you don't bring them up if you want face time during the nuptials. The mayor's pet peeves include:

The Oakland Military Institute. Despite screening out underperforming kids and spending far more per student than average, Brown's fabled military charter school has posted lower test scores than four Oakland middle schools that didn't have such advantages. Don't mention this to the mayor, or Randy Ward's bodyguard will break your arm.

Jacques Barzaghi. He was the old wife. Anne is the new wife.

Happy hunting, Important Journalists! And, as always, be good to your liver -- it's been good to you.


Vows

Theirs is a love eternal, unsullied by political ambition. Consequently, Anne Gust and Jerry Brown spent a long time agonizing over the vows they will deliver to each other on this special day. The mayor buried himself in City of God and the epistles of St. Jerome, while the bride reviewed every Valentine's Day commercial the Gap ever produced. For spiritual guidance, they consulted a liberal Jesuit theologian with whom the mayor was close back in seminary. We obtained a copy of their vows after Pope Benedict XVI purged Brown's freethinking friend and ordered former San Francisco Archbishop William Levada to clean out his desk. Let your heart soar with the words of Mr. and Mrs. Mayor -- we swear you'll fall in love all over again.

Bride

"I, Anne Gust, take you, Edmund G. Brown, to be my lawfully wedded attorney general, pending voter approval in 2006. I promise to conduct oppo research on all your opponents, both in the primary and the general, leaking the juicy bits to Dan Walters. I promise to make sure all your campaign stops go off without a hitch, be they at an auto dealership, a retirement community, or Death Row. If Walter Shorenstein mails you illegal campaign contributions, I promise to set up an account in the Cayman Islands. Matier and Ross will always know when you were spotted lunching with Howard Dean. Our love is as boundless as your Zogby poll numbers, my darling, and I promise to honor that love until your term limit kicks in."

Groom

"I, Edmund G. Brown, take you, Anne Gust, to be my lawfully wedded campaign manager, effective immediately. I promise to fire public information officers who don't show you the proper respect. I promise to throw volcanic temper tantrums when the Orange County Register publishes unflattering editorials about my stance on drug interdiction. If the subject of gay marriage ever comes up, I promise not to open my big mouth without first consulting the poll numbers from San Diego. Francis of Assisi asked for nothing but a cloak, a walking stick, and the grace of Jesus Christ; I ask for nothing but your companionship, your trust, and the ignorance of nine million Californians to put me over the top on Election Day. Move it along, Feinstein -- I'm due to cut the ribbon at a juvenile hall in Solano County."


Gift Registry

What do you give a couple who has everything? Jerry Brown and Anne Gust are just happy you're here to share the joy of the life commitment they will make in the presence of their community. But if you really need to give a wedding present, they've compiled a modest gift registry:

$35,000
in nonsequential bills, mailed to "Californians for Compassionate Law Enforcement," c/o Don Perata, Sacramento.

One thousand origami cranes
to the parents of Rithuparna, a young Bengali boy struggling with leukemia, whom we met after a recent conference on sustainable development.

A 1951 Indian Chief
with 80ci engine (Anne needs it to complete the set).

A modest contribution
to the Foundation for the Preservation of Yoruban Animism, "because every creek has an oshun in it."

Severed horse's head
to be placed in the bed of Los Angeles City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo.

Chrome chafing dish
(Jerry loves to entertain these days.)

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