I Hate Opening Acts 

Hip-hop commentary for the slightly perturbed and severely profane.

Hi, boys and girls -- remember last night's rap show? The one with the really shitty opening act? Oh, sorry, that's every goddamn rap show. Stupid-ass new jacks onstage trying to figure out the science that is pushing "play" on their busted CD player. Why the fuck can't these kids ever get a CD that's not scratched the fuck up? No, these dumbfucks want to bum-rush the stage off beat and make really loud beeps as they hopelessly search for track eleven.

Then we've got rappers who like to rap over their own fucking songs. If you're going to expect people to take you the least bit seriously, the least you can do is get some goddamn instrumentals. How many times do I have to deal with some shit-ass emcee apologizing because he forgot the beat CD? Then they stand there confused as to why everyone isn't waving their hands in the air and saying "Ho." I'm pretty sure no one's saying "Ho" for two reasons:

a) No one gives a fuck about waving their hands in the air for rappers they never heard of, and

b) You fucking suck.

Oh, and fuck crowds for not throwing pennies at rappers anymore. That shit needs to make a comeback, because obviously booing is not making anyone better. I guess rappers like to pretend the whole crowd is cheering them on instead of just their five dumbass boys stage left getting drunk and yelling about how tight Chris is at rapping.

Rappers need to leave me the fuck alone. I don't want your shitty CD-R, nor do I want to take your fucking flier for a show I don't give a fuck about. Fuck you for trying to take my ten dollars for your piece of shit when I'm trying to stumble my way out of a club. Take your shitty cardboard box and sell that shit to people who give a fuck. If I want to buy your shit, I'll approach you because I want to hear it. I know that might be a difficult concept to grasp, but when people want something they actually go out and get it. You don't have to trap them in some stupid sales pitch until they give you money so you'll leave them alone. And when someone actually does buy it, the least you could do is make sure it fucking works. When you can see through the goddamn CD-R, there's a good chance you're in for some crap.

I know it must suck knowing I don't love your amateur raps, but that's the way it goes. I came for the headliner, not your twenty minutes of skipping and beeping. Get your shit straight before you hit the stage and maybe I'll look for your album in the used bin. But don't count on it.


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