I Hate MySpace 

Regarding the scourge of hideous Internet rappers.

Thanks to the almighty MySpace.com, we're now graced by the fucking genius of avant-garde amateur musicians clogging up the Internet with their awesome music. For those not in the know, MySpace is a wonderful place where underage ladies can post softcore pictures of themselves in the hopes of becoming superstars of the "Top Eight," and/or prostitutes. Oh, but that's not all: The site also allows useless teenagers to build illustrious careers as Internet rock stars by uploading their own kickass music -- what I like to call "Taking a MySpace tour."

When most of these douchebags were sticking to emo shit, I didn't care -- it wasn't until they started trying to rap that I actually took notice of this bullshit. No longer were these shitfish restricted to reciting MIA lyrics in the shower or while driving their father's Lexus. Now these young art students can take a break from their coke binges and/or depressive episodes to post awesome electroshit songs. Usually this requires jumping on trends and rapping in an oh-so-ironic way that allows privileged kids to giggle but still pose hardcore without worrying about anyone actually giving enough of a fuck to kick their asses. One of the biggest up-and-coming MySpace stars is a young lady by the name of Uffie, who is just coming off her latest MySpace tour (MySpace.com/uffie) and is now about to release an actual record, evidently inspired by sideswept bangs and UK grime. Never mind that she raps the way old people in sitcoms rap and covers up her lack of style with shitty vocoder effects. This girl is hipper than jeans tucked into cowboy boots, and in her hit song "Pop the Glock" (seriously) she raps harder than your white belt ever will.

NYC hipsters (aka Midwestern transplants searching for a personality that already belongs to someone else) aren't the only ones on a MySpace tour. Even the French now grace the site with a sophistication that could only arise from such European flair. A young star who goes by the name of Yel (MySpace.com/iloveyel) relies on predictable-as-fuck Nintendo loops and half-assed delivery. Her hit song, "Short Dick Cuizi," is a fierce battle rap in response to that bitch who jacked her kickass legwarmers.

If you're lucky, one of these retarded bitches is coming soon to an iPod and/or Pitchfork review near you. In a world where trucker hats fall by the wayside -- only to give rise to chunks of stomach rolling over white belts because some dumbfuck broad just had to get extra-tight jeans to stuff into her dingy white plastic cowboy boots -- anything is possible.

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