How Gary Coleman Can Win 

His voter base is quite broad, which could make the difference on election day.

So you think Gary Coleman's just a joke, eh? Shows how much you know. In fact, Gary's potential constituency is far broader and more diverse than anyone anticipated. With all the people who look kindly upon the former child star, you just might see him ride a wave of love straight into the governor's mansion. Here's a breakdown of all the different people likely to vote for him.

African Americans
Although Gary Coleman calls himself "the whitest black man in America," we're pretty sure he's got the black vote tied up in October. After all, who else are blacks gonna vote for -- Bill Simon? According to the Census Bureau, there were 2,263,882 African Americans living in California. And while most voters will probably sit out the recall election, black voters will finally have a chance to vote for someone they can believe in and will turn out in droves. Our analysis: Coleman wins big in Oakland and Richmond!

Last month, 58,176 members of the Screen Actors Guild voted in the union's latest internal election. Most of them probably live in Los Angeles, and we figure they carried the day for Ronald Reagan in 1966. With Coleman's ability to deliver this crucial bloc, he's already halfway to victory.

Reform Party Members
Coleman is socially liberal and fiscally conservative, with vague protectionist leanings and an undeniable populist appeal. Can anybody say Ross Perot? In 1992, more than 2,296,000 Californians pulled the lever for the diminutive Texan, and we're confident this silent minority has been waiting for someone with the same kind of charisma and charm to make them fall in love all over again. Their wait is over.

Model-Train Enthusiasts
It's a well-known fact that Gary Coleman can't get enough of model trains, and this community really knows how to get out the vote. We're gonna place the number of dedicated model-train freaks in California at, oh, 20,000 or so, and these voters are damn tired of being taken for granted by other politicians. When it comes to Coleman's prospects for victory in October, this train is bound for glory!

'80s Fetishists
The 1980s are hot again, or haven't you heard? Tight jeans, black shirts, New Wave music: It's all back. Who better to capitalize on this trend than the man who dominated prime-time television for the better part of that decade? The Diff'rent Strokes nostalgia community is bound to account for at least 300,000 potential voters, and this time, they will all move to the beat of just one drum.

The Law and Order Vote
Gary Coleman's second career as a security guard is bound to reassure suburban voters terrified of crime spilling into their neighborhoods. The man's been known to kick a little ass when he has to, and we're guessing that as many as 200,000 voters will show their appreciation by giving him the thumbs up on Election Day.

Let's do the math, shall we? Gary Coleman's constituencies add up to 5,138,058 potential voters, minus overlap. That's 1.6 million more than voted for Gray Davis in 2002. And October's voter turnout is bound to be abnormally depressed. We say the smart money's on Gary Coleman -- the real Rainbow candidate.


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