I love the wife I married two years ago, but she absolutely can’t
come unless she uses a vibrator on herself. She’s asked me to let her
use it during sex or for me to use it on her, but I’ve refused. It’s
bad enough knowing I can’t compete with that thing without having to
look at it.
Let’s Insert My Prick
Yeah, yeah, LIMP, you can’t compete. Like a lot of other men, you’ve
fallen in love with a woman who needs intense, focused stimulation in
order to come, the kind of sensation that hands, fingers, tongues, and
cocks just can’t provide — a woman who requires a vibrator. Now
let’s take a little time to grieve, shall we?
Time’s up.
Now stop being such a douchebag about this, LIMP, and go ask the
wife to show you just how to hold the vibrator and just where to apply
pressure so that you — YOU! — can start giving her orgasms
during sex. See the vibrator as a tool, moron, not a threat. If you
love your wife and want her to stay married to you, LIMP, get on the
proverbial stick. Because if being with you means going without orgasms
during sex for the rest of her life — all because she was foolish
enough to marry an insecure bag of slop who refuses to do what needs to
be done to get her off — then your wife just might decide to be
with someone else.
And now an important message for all straight guys everywhere: Some
women need vibrators to get off. Why? Well, perhaps it has something to
do with the fact that most of a woman’s clitoral tissues are inside her
body; the exposed part of her clitoris is just the tip, comparable to
the head of your penis. Now imagine if the shaft of your penis was
buried inside your body, guys. You might need the help of a vibrator to
get off then, too; you might need a tool that could stimulate your
shaft through layers of skin and muscle and fat. We’ve been over and
over this since the early 1990s, fellas, and there’s no excuse anymore
for freaking out about your wife/girlfriend/mom needing a vibrator,
okay?
But any ladies feeling smug about guys feeling insecure about your
sex toys might want to check out RealTouch, a new sex toy for men. A
self-lubricating, self-heating sex toy with gears and belts and bells
and whistles, the RealTouch simulates — somehow or other —
the sensations of twats, asses, and mouths, according to its
manufacturers. It can be plugged into a computer and synced up with
porn clips so that it speeds up, slows down, grips, whatever, in time
with the speeding up, slowing down, gripping, and whatever that you’re
watching on the screen.
While I doubt a RealTouch is going to “make all of your fantasies
come true” (unless you’ve always fantasized about getting your dick
caught in a coked-up Dust Buster), it looks like we’re one step closer
to those sexbots we’ve heard so much about. We’re certainly closer to
sex toys for men that women are going to feel like they have a hard
time competing with. (I know, ladies, yes. But the Internet isn’t
technically a sex toy.)
Now, I haven’t placed my cock in a RealTouch, so I’m not vouching
for it. I’m also not remotely interested in trying out a
first-generation RealTouch, because I don’t want the thing going all
Westworld on me with my cock jammed inside it. (Readers under
the age of 35 might want to ask someone over 35 to explain the
Westworld reference.) So please don’t send me one,
manufacturers. But anyone out there who has tried one and lived to tell
the tale, I’d like to hear from you at [email protected].
I’m nineteen years old and gay and a virgin. Now I’ve met a guy I
kind of like. He’s hot, great body. He wanted to fuck me, to be my
first, the night we met, but I’m not sure I want to have anal sex. He
insisted that we didn’t need to use a condom, since I’m a virgin and
he’s “clean,” and got kind of upset when I tried to say no. I’m going
to see him again, and I don’t think I’ll be able to make the same
excuse again. (I told him I wasn’t feeling “empty” enough to do it that
night.) What do I say to get him to use condoms? I don’t want to drive
him off, because he’s really hot. But I don’t want to be unsafe or get
HIV or even have anal sex right now.
Just Out Newbie
We’ve covered this issue before, too, JON — but, gee, the last
time I answered a letter from a gay kid in your situation was, um, when
you were twelve. But the advice I gave Bright Kid, Big City back then
still applies now, so here it goes:
Look, JON, any faggot who wants to fuck you in the ass without a
condom is the LAST PERSON ON EARTH you should be having sex with
— anal or otherwise, condoms or no condoms. Guys who pressure you
into having sex without condoms are having or have had unsafe sex with
other people, which means that they’re either infected already or will
be shortly. If you don’t want to get infected, your best course of
action when a guy pressures you into having sex without condoms —
or any kind of sex you’re not comfortable with — is to pull up
your pants and leave.
And since you’re not particularly interested in anal sex right now,
JON, I’d urge you to tell the guys you do go home with that you’re just
not up for getting fucked. An aversion to anal sex when you’re young
and just out and easily manipulated is something you should hold on to,
JON, even cultivate. Skipping anal sex during your great-big-slut,
just-coming-out, making-your-mistakes phase will greatly reduce your
risk of contracting HIV and a host of other STIs. Then one day, with
luck, you’ll meet a nice, decent guy, also hot, who wants to take
things slow — a guy who isn’t a manipulative, selfish,
barebacking piece of shit. And when you meet that guy, JON, you can
explore anal with someone who cares about you enough to take it slow
and wear condoms.
Anal sex, despite the impression created by HIV “prevention”
materials you may have encountered, should not be a first-date
activity. Reserve your asshole for guys you’re serious about, JON, and
for guys who are serious about you. The hot motherfucker you’re seeing
right now isn’t worthy. Walk away.
Rick Warren is really fat, so maybe “saddlebacking” could be a
new name for the act we chub chasers call belly fucking, which is a
stupid name. Basically, saddlebacking would be straddling your fat mate
and then humping his belly until you come all over his face and
chest.
Love Guys’ Big Tummies
Sorry, LGBT, but the nominating process is closed. Volunteers are
counting the votes and recounting the votes and double-checking the
votes — it’s fucking Minnesota around here. Right now, two
definitions are neck and neck: It looks like “saddlebacking” is either
going to be “gay anal sex with a condom (the opposite of barebacking)”
or “a term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in
unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities.” Results
next week!
