.Dumping Without Damage?

And how to rekindle passion in a patched-up marriage.

I’m going to say up front that I know I am a complete and total
asshole.

I have been with my current boyfriend for about three years and
we are living together. About a year ago, our relationship started to
go bad when I found out I was pregnant and ended up having an abortion.
Every time I look at him, all I see is this baby I didn’t have and I
feel horrible to the point where now I don’t like him to even touch me
anymore. I don’t want to hurt him. I just don’t see how I can carry on
in this relationship anymore.

Compounding all of that, an old flame from Europe is back in my
life, and I am still in love with him and I know he still loves me.
This guy was my knight in shining armor in college but he had to return
to the UK, so we couldn’t really have anything. But now the possibility
is there because our lives are at a stage where we could move and make
it work. I have no idea how to deal with any of this. The old flame
looks better and better all the time and I am doing so badly here, but
I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t see any route at this point that
won’t end with at least one person in tears. Please help!

Definitely Out Of My Depth

Presumably there was a good reason why you decided against having a
child with the boyfriend. Perhaps you told yourselves that it wasn’t
the right time, DOOMD, but it seems more than likely you realized,
consciously or subconsciously, that he wasn’t the right person: He
wasn’t the man with whom you wanted to have children. Or perhaps the
boyfriend was so strongly opposed to becoming a father that you decided
to have an abortion — an abortion you instantly regretted and
resent him for.

Either way, DOOMD, I don’t see how your current relationship
survives.

And we haven’t even addressed the existence of the Euro. You still
have strong feelings for your old college flame — clearly —
and if you stay with the boyfriend for the rest of your life just to
spare his feelings, DOOMD, your resentments will metastasize.

Again, I don’t see how this relationship survives.

But none of that answers your question, does it? You’ve asked me to
identify a way out — a route out — that spares everyone’s
feelings. Sorry, DOOMD, but I can’t help you. If you pass on the Euro
because you can’t stand the thought of hurting the boyfriend, you’ll be
miserable. And if you stay with the boyfriend, you’re only postponing
his misery. Your resentments will grow and spread, like so many tumors,
until they ultimately kill this relationship. If the Euro has moved on
by that point, then all three of you will wind up miserable and
alone.

I’ve been married for twelve years. Six months ago, I separated
from my wife, and during that time I had an affair. Ultimately, I
figured out that I couldn’t make a long-term relationship work with
this “other woman,” and I am now working to reconcile with my wife. But
the sex with the affair partner was incredible — not just because
she was new, but because we were highly compatible sexually. The sex
was energetic and adventurous in ways that it never was with my
wife.

So now I’m worried that though I think my wife and I can rebuild
all the other parts of our marriage, I’ll always unfavorably be
comparing my wife to this other partner. (I should say that I fantasize
often about the affair partner.) Sex for my wife and me was okay but
not great before our separation, but I know we both want it to be a
rewarding part of our marriage going forward. Any thoughts? Will the
memories of my affair partner fade with time? Can I somehow use my
affair experience to build a better sex life with my wife?

Can’t Shake The Other Woman

Maybe you and the wife just aren’t as sexually compatible as you and
this other woman, and never will be. Maybe the only thing you can do,
CSTOW, is focus on the other things the wife brings to the table, the
emotional if not sexual satisfactions.

Or …

Sometimes we feel freer sexually when we’re with people we care
about less. When we’re with someone we’re never going to see again (a
one-night stand) or someone we probably shouldn’t see again (another
woman), we’re not as concerned about scaring that person off. When
we’re with someone who has “potential” — someone with long-term
prospects — we tend to be a little more cautious. The stakes feel
higher, and that can be inhibiting. We’re less willing to take risks,
we’re less open, we’re less likely to act on our fantasies.

So it’s possible that your problem with the wife isn’t sexual
incompatibility, CSTOW, but sexual inhibition. Have you tried fucking
the wife like you fucked the other woman? Have you ever risked fucking
the wife like you’ve fucked women who you’re never going to see
again?

Sixteen months is way too soon to be discussing marriage? Really.
Really?? How long are we supposed to drag out the courtship, Dan? While
I agree with you that three months is much too soon, I’d argue my own
personal case: My wife and I married almost a year to the day of our
first date, and that was 26 years ago. So while your advice to Lady In
A Relationship was sound, your blanket assessment of the relationship
landscape overlooks those of us who have a brain. Jussayin’…

Mr. Right

Good thing I give advice for a living, MR, and don’t do binding
arbitration. People are free to disregard my rants if they think I got
it wrong and make up their own minds. And maybe I went a little
overboard: Depending on the couple, sixteen months could be the right
time, or a right time, to start discussing marriage. Still, a long
engagement is always a good idea, regardless of how long you’ve been
dating. If you’re positive he or she is “the one” at three months
— or eight months, or sixteen months — he or she will still
be the one at three years.

My fiancé and I — we’re a straight couple —
are getting married in July. We’ve lived together for four years, and
as such we don’t need any more than we already have. We’re asking
friends and family to make donations to nonprofits that are dear to us
in lieu of traditional gifts. We’re both grade-school teachers, so the
bulk of our requests are related to the needs of our students.
(Shameless plug: Refugee Women’s Alliance and New Futures are two
amazing programs that specifically serve students where we live.) We’re
including Planned Parenthood on our list, and we would like to include
a nonprofit that advocates for marriage equality. Which one would you
suggest?

Soon To Be Married

Thanks for thinking of us, STBM, which is more than President Obama
is willing to do: I would recommend that you put Lambda Legal (they’re
lawyers, they sue) and Freedom to Marry (they’re advocates, they woo)
on your list. Unlike most national gay organizations, Lambda Legal and
Freedom to Marry do good work and get results. Thanks and
congratulations!

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