Friday, February 23, 2007

Fun with Fictitious Business Names

By Michael Mechanic
Fri, Feb 23, 2007 at 3:28 PM

Anyone who wants to run a business is required to file a fictitious business name with the county, and that means fun for us. Here are a few choice DBAs (Doing Business As) registered with Alameda County in January, along with our admittedly wild speculation as to what these cunning entrepreneurs might be up to. ...

Business name: WAAAGH! ZONE Registered by: GOODRICH, DEREK; WRIGHT-LA, FORCE BRET What we're guessing this company does: Since spanking your child may soon be a crime in California, these guys will do it for you, assuming all the legal risks thereof.

Business name: THE GIANT PEACH INC Registered by: THE GIANT PEACH INC What we're guessing this company does: Offers scenic aerial and ocean tours to orphans, mutant insects, and ill-tempered centipedes. Will kill evil aunts for an additional fee.

Business name: PRECIOUS LITTLE LAMBS FAMILY DAYCARE Registered by: LAMBERT, SHERYL What we're guessing this company does: Bottle-feeds toddlers with warm milk for three to six months, then shears them to make sweaters.

Business name: GOTBASS PRODUCTIONS Registered by: PHILLIPS, MARCUS What we're guessing this company does: You like smallmouth? Marcus knows all the prime spots! Ditto largemouth. Hell, he even knows when the stripers are running, and he's a freshwater guy.

Business name: BOBBY-THE PARKER Registered by: PIWOWARSKI, ROBERT JOSEPH What we're guessing this company does: You're late for that job interview, so you call Bobby. He'll score you a parking spot somewhere in the neighborhood, then feed your meter till you come back. Sort of like on-call valet parking.

Business name: THE SEE A DOG, HEAR A DOG CO. Registered by: PERKINS, PHILIP What we're guessing this company does: Phil holes up on his roof with a BB gun. When he spots dogs out for a walk, he pelts 'em in the haunches and makes 'em yelp. God knows how he makes any money from this activity.

Business name: TRANS YARD WORK Registered by: BUI, THAO THU What we're guessing this company does: Mows lawns and all that, but the crew somehow doesn't feel comfortable in the bodies they were given.

Business name: PLUSIZEBARBIE Registered by: JONES, BRANDI LASHAWN What we're guessing this company does: Fends off an incessant stream of lawsuits from Mattel.

Business name: GOD'S HANDS UNLIMITED FEATURING EUNIQUE FASHIONS Registered by: PARKS, EUNICE MAE What we're guessing this company does: Makes flowing white robes that seem to shimmer, as though hewn of a material not quite of this earth.

Business name: GODDESS OF THE BAY Registered by: JONES, BRANDI LASHAWN What we're guessing this company does: Self-esteem workshops.

Business name: FLASHLIGHT JANITORIAL Registered by: TIDWELL, ALONZO What we're guessing this company does: You can save on energy bills by hiring these guys. Will clean your office at night and never once turn on the lights.

Business name: COLLEGE STUDENT HAULING Registered by: TULLUS, JR. DAVID What we're guessing this company does: Helps parents get rid of adult children who've come home to live while earning their art history degree.

Business name: DOMINO COMPUTER Registered by: HUANG, SHENG What we're guessing this company does: Will stack your business' countless PCs just so.

Business name: ALONSO'S CLEANING SYSTEM Registered by: ALONSO, JORGE F

What we're guessing this company does: Piles up dirty dishes in your sink every day. Cleans them all on Sunday.

Business name: WOMEN'S PLUMBING REPAIR Registered by: WEBER, ROSEMARY What we're guessing this company does: Hey, don't you need a medical license for this sort of thing?

Business name: FINE ART BY DAY Registered by: ART MANAGEMENT SERVICES GROUP LLC

What we're guessing this company does: Sells tacky landscapes and low-quality, mass-produced prints by night.

Business name: STRANGE MAGIC GAMES Registered by: MITCHELL, KENT & SHARON What we're guessing they do: Dress up, respectively, as Orion and a giant scorpion, and engage in epic fantasy battles in the rumpus room.

Business name: COME TO LIFE Registered by: MITCHELL, KENT & SHARON

What we're guessing they do: This company helps out when either Orion or the scorpion, or both, are slain.

Business name: THE WRITER Registered by: MITCHELL, KENT & SHARON What we're guessing they do: What's an epic battle without someone to chronicle the glory and the shame of it?

Business name: HIGHLAND PLACE CONDOMINIUM ASSOCIATION Registered by: MITCHELL, KENT & SHARON

What we're guessing they do: Play strange magic games with your condominium bylaws.

Business name: WE GROUP Registered by: WEBB, TIM J. What we're guessing this company does: Comes into your train-wreck of a garage and puts all the junk into neat little piles according to size, color, or attribute of your choice.

Business name: FIREDOG Registered by: CIRCUIT, CITY STORES WEST COAST,INC.

What we're guessing this company does: Dalmation breeders.

Business name: HYPNO TOAD VENTURES Registered by: MIRANDA, SCOTT WILLIAM; TEIXEIRA, JOHN MICHAEL; TRICOSKI, ROBERT; IRWIN, CHARLES EDWARD What we're guessing this company does: Amphibian hypnosis, acupuncture, and aromatherapy. These people must be from Berkeley!

Business name: THE SMALL THINGS THAT COUNT Registered by: WILEY, SONJA E.

What we're guessing this company does: Sells those little clickers bouncers use to tell how many people they've let into the club. Also sells four-year-old children, who will gladly count to one hundred again and again and again.

Business name: SHATTER THE GLASS Registered by: WINSTEAD, SARAH JANE MANNING What we're guessing this company does: Manufactures those wall fire alarm units for elementary schools. Either that, or they run a really, really alternative china shop.

Business name: STACKED Registered by: MARTIN, ANGELA

What we're guessing this company does: Hmmm.

Business name: POLISHED Registered by: MARTIN, ANGELA What we're guessing this company does: Stacked and polished? Okay, it's a date.

Business name: FAIRY GODMOTHER GOWN RENTALS

Registered by: SCHNEIDER, JEREMY What we're guessing this company does: Rents evening gowns to the stacked and polished Angela Martin.

Business name: BEDROOM GOLF GEAR Registered by: HOLSEY, WILLIAM III What we're guessing this company does: This is just a side business. The real money is in pocket pool gear.

Business name: TIME FOR CHANGE

Registered by: SNYDER, CYNDI; WARREN, LISA ANN What we're guessing this company does: Underpants wholesalers.

Business name: VOLUPTUOUS ENCOUNTERS Registered by: SANCHEZ-SILVA, RUBY What we're guessing this company does: Ain't goin' there.

Business name: RONCO TRADING

Registered by: ALRON, GROUP, INC. What we're guessing this company does: Miss that Veg-O-Matic? That Inside-The-Shell Egg Scrambler? That Rhinestone and Stud Center or Pocket Fisherman? My friend, you've come to the right place. Just pick up that phone and dial 1-800-777 ...

Business name: KNODDIGSKULL Registered by: BOX, INDUSTRIES, LLC What we're guessing this company does: Now who says the people who exhume dead bodies have to be dour? These guys will take any job with a smile.

Business name: DOG GONE GOOD!

Registered by: WOMBACHER, MICHAEL J.; GUILBERT, ROSEMARIE What we're guessing this company does: Is your recently acquired St. Berdoodle too big for your house? Puggle not working out as well as you thought when you saw that one article in the New York Times Magazine? Well now you know whom to call.

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Anonymous and pseudonymous comments will be removed.

Author Archives

Readers also liked…

Most Popular Stories

© 2017 East Bay Express    All Rights Reserved
Powered by Foundation