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"Oh shit, Ostrowski, look at this!" My whole mouth, tongue, and teeth were solid green! I looked like an Irish Chow. "Say that's cool Doug ... I am going to call you Danny boy —you look like a leprechaun turned inside out ... ha! ha! "What am I going to do?" Order the Halibut Florentine — it's got lots of spinach in it-maybe it will cover it up-ho!
ho! I tried rinsing my mouth out, but it didn't help. "What am I going to do, Ostrowski?" "Keep your mouth shut as much as possible. I'll take care of the rest."
We went out to meet the girls and I didn't say boo! Ostrowski introduced me to Vanessa and I just spoke with clinched teeth. "Nice to meet you." Ostrowski told her I had recently had some wisdom teeth removed and couldn't talk too much. She bought into it and we nodded yes and no most of the evening. Finally, the evening was over and we parted ways.
Never again did I use those green pellets — I made sure they were the white mints that don't leave a stain!
Doug Burgess, El Cerrito
The Worst Non-Date
In my senior year of college, I had been dating this one girl for a few months before Valentine's Day, but things were a little rocky. I had planned this nice Valentine's Day dinner in Berkeley and was looking forward to it. Whaddya know, she ended up breaking it off the day before — February 13. On the morning of Valentine's Day I was milling about the house, doing yardwork and such, and while adjusting our finnicky sliding-glass door, I managed to drop it square on my big toe — with bare feet. It was extremely painful, to say the least. Trying to keep my mind off my recent breakup and increasingly swollen toe, I adjusted my date plans for the evening. In the end, I went out to Cold Stone Creamery with a male roommate after spending dinner at home alone, then tagged along with a few other singles to a French indie flick about incest or something, barely able to concentrate due to the pain in my toe. I ended up losing the nail and never patching things up with the ex. My most memorable Valentine's Day ever, without a doubt.
No Happy Endings
This was the third date with a girl from college. She told she wanted to take me out on my birthday, and give me a special day! Boy was I excited, she even said she was going to pick me up from my house, and that we were only going to do things she knew I liked.How could this go wrong? I was gonna get to see a cool band and at least get a BJ for sure. Wrong! She picked me up from my house and took me to lunch, and slid me the check ... and then took me to a movie (I hate the movies ...) and then ... hip bumped me closer to the box office teller ... to pay.I suppose the real deal breaker was when after the movie — I asked for a BJ, she ... "doesn't do that," she said. Needless to say it was a tacky evening with zero BJs for me. Side note: I don't care who pays ... But every one in the whole world should get a BJ on their birthdays.
Who's the Jerk?
It was my first online dating experience where I actually met up with the guy that I had been talking to for over a month. He was great on paper — attractive, outgoing, cool profession, adventurous, the works. We got along great in our conversations online, so we thought it would be a great idea to meet up and see if it worked. We met at a bar where ten of my best guy friends just happened to be there, with no ladies attached. I got there first, got a beer, sat down to wait for my date, and didn't realize that my friends were there. When my date arrived I knew instantly that this wasn't going to work out. All of the sudden, the guy on paper turned into a completely different person. Turns out he didn't voluntarily leave his job, he was fired. He was shorter and more stout than he projected in his profile, and it was as though the biography I had once read was turning into a tall tale. I knew I had made a mistake. Everything was fine and I was pushing through it, until my group of ten guy friends came over to where we were sitting and the poor guy was completely pushed out of the conversation and table. None of my friends knew that I was on a date, and I wasn't making any effort to seek a more private venue for us to talk, so things became progressively awkward. My guy friends are aggressive, flirtatious, and have dirty minds and senses of humor to go along with it. At one point, one of my friends picked me up, swung me around and then planted one on my lips just to mess with me because he thought it was funny. Another decided that he was going to tell every stranger he met (including my date) that he sold crack ... and he never broke character. I was becoming increasingly embarrassed as it appeared this guy wasn't getting the sort of sense of humor my friends provide, and I just wanted to get out of the situation. He suggested that maybe it was time to go home and end the evening, and I quickly agreed. I didn't even say goodbye to my friends, headed right out the door and out onto the street. We walked up the street a bit, and he offered me a ride home ... which always means a chance to make out in the car ... so I quickly declined and told him that I would just grab a cab, no big deal, he lived close to the bar, don't want to trouble him. I gave him a hug, and yelled out, "we should do this again sometime!" as I ducked into the nearest cab and quickly shut the door. I watched him walk up the street, toward his house, away from the bar, turned to the cab driver and said, "I just need to go down to the end of the block." I paid the cab driver $5 to drive me one block at which point I hopped out, ran back into the bar and continued to party with my friends until last call. So I guess I'm the evil person here, but it was excruciating to stick around with the guy any longer than necessary. Watch out for online dating!