Every year the Express puts out its Best Of issue to celebrate life in the East Bay. Well, Feeder's feelings were more than a little bit hurt when he was informed his tastes were too perverse for such a feel-good issue. So now that Best Of is safely to bed for the year, it's Bottom Feeder's turn.
Best Place to Sleep If You're Homeless
Underneath This Deck
at 2525 Benvenue Ave., Berkeley
Three words sum up this delightful spot: Location, location, location. This charming gem is just a stumble away from the free box at People's Park, primo panhandling on Telegraph Avenue, and various liquor outlets. The concrete deck serves as a splendid roof and weather guard, dirt and pine needles offer comfortable sleeping accommodations, and bushes provide decent privacy. Don't spend another night on the cold, rocky ground beneath the balcony at 2533 Hillegass around the corner. Pass out in comfort just a block away!
1600 Shattuck Ave., Berkeley
With more than seventy local Starbucks branches to choose from, finding the best one can be tricky. Tricky, but not impossible: This one is right in the heart of Berkeley, the Bay Area's coffee capital. Sure, there are a couple of locally owned cafes nearby, but why take a risk on something new when you can enjoy something familiar? All you UC students from SoCal and married guys out there know what I'm talking about. Starbucks is like an old friend for the out-of-towner. And old friends trust each other. That's why you don't need a key to use the bathroom at this Starbucks: trust. Plus, this particular Starbucks boasts a wi-fi Internet connection so you can view porn while drinking that double venti nonfat, no-whip mocha. "Venti" is the largest size at Starbucks. Don't confuse venti with the "grande," which, although "grande" means "large" in Spanish, means "medium" in Starbuckish. So, yes, come in and drink a hot, tall coffee. And by "tall," I mean "small."
Best Place to Get Murdered
Police Beats 30X and 34X, East Oakland
Oakland is the Bay Area's murder capital. But where in Oaktown are you most likely to be knocked off in a drug-related turf-war or perhaps a domestic incident that's gotten out of control? That'd be the rectangular area flanked by 66th and 98th avenues, stretching from International Boulevard on the bay side to Bancroft Avenue on the hills side. According to unofficial stats available on the OPD Web site (www.oaklandpolice.com), this area, which covers police beats 30X and 34X, has hosted twenty murders over the past two years.
Best Local Product
Dittie Tampons of Orinda
Finally. Somebody has recognized the importance of being FWB: Fashionable While Bleeding. These are tampons with attitude -- tampitude, if you will. There are also Dittie thong liners for the cool chick on the go. If you haven't heard of Dittie, that's because the new feminine-protection brand just launched this month. So in the coming months, be on the lookout for the tampon boxes with the young cartoon hipsters on the front. Then be ready to take the Dittie pledge (for real): "In a stall, on the street, wherever I am, whenever I can, I pledge to share my Ditties with any girl, woman, mother, daughter, or sister in need." Yes, one day, ladies, we may be able to truly say there's a little Dittie in every woman.
Best Motel with Hourly Rates
Sea Horse Motel 909 Cutting Blvd., Richmond
There are plenty of reasons to rent a room for a couple of hours: Napping, keeping up with your fave daytime soap, or canoodling with that cute, married co-worker. Whatever the reason, drag your carcass down to the lovely Sea Horse Motel in Richmond. For only $25 for two hours, you can rent a room with drapes, sheets, a mattress, running water, and HBO. If you require "room service," there may be an additional charge.
Is there any other choice for a newspaper column? After all, the Jews control the media. Yeah, yeah -- there've been allegations that they killed Jesus. But maybe we should forgive them for that after all these years. Bringing us Pauly Shore, though -- that was unforgivable.
Best E-Ville Corporation to Bomb for Its Mistreatment of Animals
Chiron, Shmiron. Have you heard about the horrible work conditions being endured by Pixar's top stars? Rumor has it Nemo had to work fourteen-hour days without a break on the set of Finding Nemo. That would be bad enough if he wasn't also underage. The poor lost clown fish was also put under pressure that no fish should have to endure: He allegedly was told that if he failed at the box office, Steve Jobs would make him part of a sensible low-carb dinner. Then, of course, there was the rampant "accidental" ant-squashing on the set of A Bug's Life. And despite their recent divorce, Pixar maintained a long business relationship with Disney which, as we know, has long perpetuated stereotypes about mice and ducks speaking strangely and having poor taste in footwear. For shame, Mr. Jobs. For shame.
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