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The New Facial Hair 

It's tough to be a hipster these days: seeing your Spock haircut on some kid on The Bernie Mac Show; looking like a total wannabe dumbass with tattoos even though you got them, like, fifteen years ago in the Village, man. The Olsen twins probably drive the same '63 Lancer that you do. Heck, even your band, the White Stripes, has been signed to a major label, playing on Live 105 in heavy rotation right alongside Good Charlotte. Dude, you are so screwed. Every single punk, metal, vintage, biker, and grungy look has been co-opted. What to do?

A few resourceful hipsters have done the only sane thing one can do: they came up with a hairstyle that is so uncool that no one outside of Belle and Sebastian fans would dare adopt the look. No, not the mullet, although that is sure to be next. We're talking about a bona fide full beard. That's right, Rick Rubin was way ahead of his time.

It started about a year ago in New York, with hipsters spotted with bushy Grizzly Adams whiskers. Slowly it started to creep out West, with a few scattered sightings reported on Haight and Telegraph. Some even say that at night, when the moon is high and a stillness hangs in the air, the elusive Ahead of the Curve Bearded Hipster can be seen strolling through the Silver Lake district of Los Angeles. All this can mean only one thing: The Amish look is the next big thing. Can wide brims and suspenders be too far behind? At least they don't look like they are in Linkin Park or something. The truly hip can separate themselves from the chaff yet again.

For the ladies, we have the '80s coke-whore look, with big, wide, rhinestone-studded sunglasses and big-ass Sideshow Bob-ish fluffy hair. It's basically the swingin' Las Vegas retiree look, complete with painted fingernails, tight clothes, faux fur, and high heels. Add some chewing gum and some Virginia Slims, and you're only a pool party away from a date with that guy in the Brian Jonestown Massacre.

Then comes the car, something all cool people worth their salt must acquire. To be fair, some people really do like cars, know how to fix them, and go to conventions to show theirs off and see other people's. But those people don't count, because their affinity for Mopar or Oldsmobiles from the '50s is so '92. To be cool now you have to have the most redneck, midlife-crisis, Lisa-Marie-Presley-sixteenth-birthday-present kind of car — something like an '83 Camaro or an El Camino, the car that was the bastard child of an unholy union between a pickup and a Monte Carlo. And the cream of the schlock, the ultimate hipster ride, is a Trans Am with the Phoenix painted on the hood.

Pop in some rare Zombies B-sides, make a few well placed allusions to What's Happening!!, and watch the '80s coke whores line up. Just don't get your beard caught in the automatic window.

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