I Hate Weed Love Songs 

Hip-Hop commentary for the mildly perturbed and severely profane.

I'm sick of rappers busting out with some generic-as-fuck song about getting high. It doesn't matter if you're mainstream or underground: That shit is fucking stupid. You would think rappers would've gotten over this gimmick after Cypress Hill beat that bong to death, but no. People who base their entire image around getting high are doomed to become irrelevant has-beens making shitty-ass rap-metal for clueless fratboys. Fuck, if you don't believe me, just ask yourself: When's the last time you made it out to see Afroman perform? Oh, that's right, you haven't, because not even the fifteen-year-olds who lie about getting high because they're embarrassed about still being virgins give a fuck about that played-out gimmick.

Has this corny shit ever slowed rappers down from bragging about how many blunts they roll? Of course not. You've got a shitload of choices to get high to: Madlib's "America's Most Blunted," Luniz' "I Got Five on It," Likwit Junkie's "The Good Green," MF Doom's "My Favorite Ladies," Ludacris' "Blueberry Yum Yum" ... the list keeps going, but if you don't want to track down individual songs, just throw on a Dr. Dre or Devin the Dude album, and you will almost feel the roach clip though your speakers. Fucking Redman and Method Man even made a goddamn movie off the strength of their weed song, "How High." Anyone who has ever seen How High can testify to the mind-blowing performances from Shaolin and Jersey's finest. I was so glad that someone finally harnessed the incredible talent from those Power Stripe deodorant commercials and cultivated them into this work of cinematic genius. It truly is a film buff's dream come true. (Coming later this year: I Got Five on It, starring Todd Bridges. Seriously.)

I think the dumbest of all marijuana rap songs are the weed rap ballads, where some cutesy rapper flexes his amazing lyrical skills with some goddamn love song, but really it's about weed. Yeah, I was also fucking amazed as shit by this stretch of imagination. I fucking hate hip-hop love songs to begin with, but this shit is annoying as fuck. Now I'm getting the double-header from a bunch of dumb rappers who think they're the first to rap about this stupid-ass girl "Mary Jane." The Alkaholiks did just that -- then there's Qwel's "The Highest Commitment," and hell, D'Angelo's first big single, "Brown Sugar," was a goddamn marijuana rap ballad. The latest to use this brilliant metaphor is Slim Thug with "Miss Mary" -- what Slim needs to do is take back "Still Tippin'" and slap Mike Jones' name on this dumbass song instead, because as we all know, Mike Jones needs more gimmicks.

Here is a tip to any and all rappers out there: Get some better concepts and stop with these predictable-ass marijuana songs. We all know it's just a fucking scheme anyways. Rappers are just too bitchmade to carry their own weed, so they make these stupid-ass weed ballads so that idiots in the front row can get closer to their idols by passing the blunt they've been saving the whole night onstage. Sorry, dumbfucks, but your favorite rapper doesn't give a fuck how long it took you to roll that shit -- he's just too fucking cheap to buy his own bag, so he resorts to bumming dirt weed off idiots who paid too much to get in anyways. You think that grill paid for itself? No, jackass -- he saved the money by not buying his own drugs and bumming your shit instead. What a bunch of cheap assholes.

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