Jamie DeWolf is no longer single, but he still detests Valentine's Day. His rationale is pretty cut-and-dry: Valentine's Day is a commercial sham manufactured by Hallmark and chocolate companies. Unlike Christmas and Easter, said DeWolf, it has no religious underpinning (or even a good pagan underpinning), and no particular morality. If you're in a relationship, it means a lame forced dine-for-two; if you're single or in an unhappily committed relationship, it's like an open wound. "I don't know anyone who's actually moved by Valentine's Day," DeWolf said. "Probably you're happiest when you're a kid and you get a card with a little heart on it and some candy." Otherwise, he continued, it translates into "obligatory national pride for some vague concept of love." DeWolf can easily list some of the happier Valentine's Days in his past. He spent one of them boxing with a girlfriend. His favorite, though, might have been the one at the Oakland Zoo, watching animals have sex. "Animals don't add all these psychotic constructs like monogamy or breaking up with each other," DeWolf said. "It was pure animalistic passion."
Pure animalistic passion is something DeWolf and his girlfriend Natasia Schibinger will bring to Valentine's Day this year, in the form of a blasphemous "Fuck Valentine's Day Phychotic Erotic Spectacular" at Oakland's Merchant's Saloon (403 2nd St.). This event will see the irreverent DeWolf at his most festive, presiding over sex toy giveaways, interpretive dances based on worst sex experiences, competitions to find which audience member survived the most odious ex-boyfriend or -girlfriend (the three winners get to have a pig's heart mailed to the ex's house), a "fuck love" set by San Francisco shock comedian Justin Scales, a grown-ass man running around in diapers (i.e., Cupid), sex position demos, slam poets spewing their most horrid, vindictive, and cathartic rants about relationships gone sour, a game of "What's Inside My Pants?," and prank calls to former lovers — an especially risky activity that, in DeWolf's mind, is totally justifiable. "If someone conclusively dated the worst man or woman on the planet, and still has contact info for that person, I'm all about encouraging full-on and reckless revenge," he reasoned.
The one big irony about this event is that DeWolf secretly thinks it will bring people together — in that soppy, somewhat romantic, Valentine's-ish way. "My suspicion," he said, "is that amidst all this venting and catharsis, it's actually gonna have a reverse effect, and a lot of people are gonna end up getting laid." Perhaps he's soft on Valentine's Day after all. Fuck Valentine's Day Phychotic Erotic Spectacular happens Saturday, Feb. 14. 8 p.m., $9. MySpace.com/TourettesWithoutRegrets
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