.Demystifying Teabagging

Dipping balls versus receiving balls, plus navigating sex on heavy-flow days.

I’m a 32-year-old, very attractive, very fit SWM living in NYC.
I’m well-read and well-spoken. I march to the beat of my own drum.
Friends tell me that my personality is intense. It must be true —
everyone concurs. I’m extremely idealistic, and I count myself as a
romantic. I’m interested in an intense and consuming love affair with a
woman. But friends tell me that my approach to courtship and my energy
scare women off.

I’m tired of fouling things up and making myself lonely. Yet,
when a lady friend of mine, in response to my most recent upset,
suggested I spend a night out with her where she would act as my
wingman, I recoiled. Prowling for random women in a bar doesn’t fit my
sense of romance.

Should I consider counseling to try to tame my personality?
Should I just be myself and continue being lonely and
misunderstood?

Wild Horses Drag Me Away

You don’t give me much to go on, WHDMA. It would help to know, for
example, what exactly you’re doing — besides being all intensely
romantic and extremely idealistic and physically fit and stuff —
that scares women off. How does your “intensity” manifest itself?
Without that info, it’s difficult to whip up some advice for you.

But I can do a little decoding for you: When friends say “your
personality is intense,” what they typically mean is “you are an
asshole.”

Assholes who have friends sometimes conclude that there’s something
wrong with dating or bars or all the women and/or men on the planet
because, hey, I’ve got friends — and if my friends can stand me,
why couldn’t my ex-girlfriend(s)? But friending, if I may borrow
Facebook’s proprietary verb, an asshole is easy; dating an asshole is
hard. (Or that’s what my boyfriend tells me, anyway.)

A friendship involves a smaller time commitment; a girlfriend, if
you could keep one, is required to spend much more time with you. Not
only that, WHDMA, but people who are romantically involved with
assholes come in for a higher degree of scrutiny. A person with an
asshole friend is regarded as tolerant and/or indulgent and/or foolish.
But a person with an asshole boyfriend is viewed as having a character
flaw. Or several: lousy taste in men, the wrong kind of masochistic
streak, low self-esteem, abuse issues, etc.

So, yeah, you should consider counseling to “tame your personality.”
Your alleged virtues — extremely intense! extremely romantic!
extremely idealistic! — may not themselves be the problem. But if
the people living outside your skull have identified them as
impediments to your professed romantic goals, WHDMA, then there’s
something problematic about the way you’re expressing them.

And that lady friend who offered to take you out and act as your
wingman? I suspect she was trying to pull the stick out of your ass and
trying to get you to see that dating — at least at the outset
— is about pleasure, not intensity. I assure you that bars all
over the civilized world are packed with “random women” as interested
in intense and consuming love affairs as you are. You might want to
give them a chance.

A long time ago I experienced, late one nite, roasted, drunk,
blah, blah, blah!!! This brother picked me up and drove me to his place
and screwed me good. He said I was hot!!! I really liked it, had an
anal orgasm!!! It was indescribable. I loved it!!! He gave me his
number. But I was too shy to call back. Never saw him again. So I
bought dildos and proceeded to fuck myself and get drunk or high (weed)
every night!!! What does that make me? Closet drunk? Closet English
cigarette? I like pussy, too! Whatzup?!

Anonymously Me

I don’t have the faintest idea!!!

My boyfriend refuses to have any kind of intercourse with me
while my Aunt Flo is visiting. I’m not asking to have sex when I’m on
my heavy days, just at the beginning and tail ends of my period. He
says it’s disgusting, even if he wears a condom, and that it makes his
stomach turn to even think about it. I find this terribly frustrating
because my period lasts a good ten days (according to his definition),
and I have to go without any loving the whole time. And yet he expects
me to blow him on a regular basis during that time. I love him, and I’d
rather not DTMFA over this. What can I do?

Aunt Flo Terminates Erection Return

Only blow him on days when he hasn’t used his penis to urinate.

Because really, AFTER, how can he ask you to suck cock on days when
pee comes out of his thing? That’s just as disgusting — it’s more
disgusting — than a little bit of blood on the condom. And any
guy who can’t handle a little bit of blood shouldn’t be asking his
girlfriend to ingest whatever trace amounts of urine might be lurking
in his urethra. But if he wants you to blow him — to keep him
content during your period — then he needs to find a way to do
the same for you. If he can’t bring himself to fuck you during your
period, AFTER, then at the very least he can help you get off with a
vibrator, or engage in outercourse with you, or mutual masturbation, or
eat your pussy through a wad of Saran Wrap.

If he won’t do any of that, reconsider DTMFA.

I thought I knew what teabagging meant: to dip a man’s testicles
in and out of your mouth. But during a recent conversation about the
Republican teabagging craze, my boyfriend told me that teabagging meant
to put your balls into someone else’s mouth. A person without balls, he
insists, can’t do the teabagging. But many people I know think they are
the teabagger and their partner is the one being teabagged. An Internet
search turns up both definitions. So, Dan, I’m asking you — as an
expert on all things both political and sexual — do any of us
hetero females have a chance of teabagging President Obama? Don’t get
me wrong: I want to teabag the president for all the right reasons. I’m
a supporter. I just want in on any political activity that involves
Obama’s balls in my mouth.

The Earnest Aspirant

Let’s say you were in the West Wing with Barack Obama’s sack resting
comfortably in your mouth. Perhaps you had done something meritorious
— defeated the Somalian pirates, sworn in Senator Al Franken
— and you were being awarded the Presidential Wattle of Freedom.
The New York Times might report, “The president of the United
States and a Savage Love reader were spotted ‘teabagging’ in the Oval
Office today.”

But while you can teabag with the president, TEA, you don’t have
what it takes to administer a teabagging to the president. To teabag
someone, you need a scrotum with which to teabag them: The teabagger
dips sack; a teabaggee receives dipped sack. It’s a little confusing, I
realize, in that it’s the opposite of a blowjob: The person with a dick
in his or her mouth is giving the blowjob; the person being sucked is
receiving the blowjob. But language is funny that way.

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