Clair's Poetry Slam 

The year's worst records dealt poetic justice.

The snow falls quickly on the white cedars. A stream runs from the mountain to the sea. Fieldy put out a solo album. Here are the worst records of the year, in haiku.

Paul Westerberg
Stereo
(Vagrant)

I sit alone, drab
My four-track at the beckon
Oops, I pushed "record"


The Donnas
Spend the Night
(Atlantic)

Oh, we so horny
Which five years ere was great
Now we are Mrs. Roper


American Idol
Greatest Moments
(RCA)

Justin? He was robbed
EJ, AJ, and RJ
The dream is ov-ah


Kelly Osbourne
Shut Up
(Sony)

I, nepotism
But fuck those fucking fuckers
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!


Cato Salsa Experience
A Good Tip for a Good Time
(Emperor Norton)

In Oslo, night falls
An elk pauses at a fjord
This is bad garage


Santana
Shaman
(Arista)

The producer said
"Give me beaucoup Latin spice!"
Hence, Spice World reborn


Vines
Highly Evolved
(Capitol)

"G'day mates," they said
And gave the press a boner
But Hives they are not


Jennifer Love Hewitt
Barenaked
(Jive)

Hey, nice rack, fun buns
Your record really sucks shit
But very nice boobs


Rod Stewart
It Had to Be You: The Great American Songbook
(J-Records)

The question is not
Do you think I am sexy?
It's why why why why?


Public Enemy
Revolverlution
(Koch)

At last it happened
Hip-hop has become like rock:
Artists who've lost it


Nirvana
"You Know You're Right"
(Universal)

A message in wind:
"Should have listened to Courtney..."
She of plastic speaks truth


Tommy Lee
Never a Dull Moment
(MCA)

His best asset? Voice
Second only to his mind
Sarcasm tastes so sweet

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