Thursday, January 26, 2012

Etiquette Lessons from Ron Kristophone

by Ryan Christopher Parks
Thu, Jan 26, 2012 at 9:35 AM

Editor's Note: We’re so fascinated by the cult of fandom surrounding Ryan Christopher Parks, lead singer of the indie band B. Hamilton, that we’ve invited his alter-ego to start an advice column for the clueless and the culturally ostracized. For this edition, he’s focused on etiquette.

Dear Ron Kristophone,

Like many of your readers, I am an unemployed twentysomething Berkeley graduate who is trying everything to get a job. Luck struck last Friday when I finally got a call back from a kind of “Groupon meets Arab Arms Dealer” start up in the city for an administrative assistant position! The only problem is, all my pants have giant holes in the crotch. I'm too broke to buy new ones and too unskilled to sew them. I'm afraid my balls might pop out mid interview, despite crossing my legs or diverting their attention with magic tricks. What should I do!?

Sincerely,
Sam Fistorino

Ron Kristophone responds:

Listen Sam, all men have been in this position. By that I mean both having a giant hole in your crotch during an important situation, as well as the physical position of leaning forward to listen intently and having your balls pop out of your pants. Let me calm your nerves by saying this: YOU NEED TO GO INTO THAT MOTHER FUCKER AND OWN IT. Walk in confident, as if knowing your balls are walking three feet ahead of you. Make sure every other manner of your appearance is absolute gold. Try distiling some Axe body spray before hand, so that you smell like the sweet aroma of a Sublime convention. Make sure to wear your sunglasses inside, as to tell them “I AM FROM ANOTHER PLANET THAT IS HOTTER THAN SHIT AND MORE INCREDIBLE THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE. THAT PLANET IS CALLED "PLANET TROY” (also, change your name to “Troy”). After the table is set, you have two options once yours balls inevitably make an appearance:

One - Once your testicles become spectacles and the gasps reside, say something like, "Whoops! Look like I sat in some gum on the bus!" This will show that you have an impecable sense of humor, and are a real working class dude by taking the bus, instead of having your ex-girlfriend drop you off in exchange for her cat… which she knows is both of yours DESPITE HER PICKING IT OUT AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER IN HAYWARD ON HER OWN AND NAMING IT, PAYING FOR IT AND HAVING IT LIVE AT HER HOUSE FOR 6 YEARS, SABRINA!

(cough)

Two - Before your balls pop out, have a Powerpoint slide going explaining how much you'll make for the company once you're hired (hint: billions are bigger than millions). Once they pop out, pause for a second, take a sip of water, and point at the CEO while screaming “AND THATS WHAT THIS COMPANY NEEDS… BALLS.” At this point, while they're clapping and chanting your name, it is important to straighten your tie, chest bump all the interviewers, and light up a cigarette. If you can get their attention through all the chanting, let them know don't work mornings and evenings and will need a month of vacation time in December for “Weednog Season.”

As for the women reading this: Unfortunately, you don't have any genitalia that is as funny as testicles. God favors you. If you feel this is a disadvantage, hopefully evolution will right its wrongs and turn vaginas into Carrot Top’s trunk.

What an absolute nightmare,
R.K.

If you have questions for Ron Kristophone, e-mail them to editor at eastbayexpress dot com

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