Editor's Note: We’re so fascinated by the cult of fandom surrounding Ryan Christopher Parks, lead singer of the indie band B. Hamilton, that we’ve invited his alter-ego to start an advice column for the clueless and the culturally ostracized. For this edition, he’s focused on etiquette; see the first installment here.
Dear Ron Kristophone,
So, I was recently at a bar and some dude asked me out. Turns out he works for the OPD, so now i don’t know what to do. I actually think he's kinda cute, so I'm wondering what should I wear. I don't know any cops, so how do cops feel about girls putting out on the first date? Should I ask Boots Riley to be my wingman? :)
Ron Kristophone responds:
This is kind of a tough question, because, as most of you know, aside from being in charge of the escort and weed ads in the East Bay Express, I also do costume design and makeup for the OPD. Conflict of interest aside, I've found that whenever there is an issue of the heart that straddles that thin blue line, it's a good idea to consult the back issues of Seventeen magazine. So, if you may, please answer these three questions from December 2011 quiz, “Should I Date a Cop?!?!”:
1. What did he do after your first kiss?
A: Was sort of awkward and lingered for awhile before leaving
B: Shot someone
C: Stuck around and asked you to watch another movie
2. What happens when you see each other in school?
A: We're sort of awkward and linger for awhile before leaving
B: He shoots somebody
C: He gives you a head nod
3. When he kisses you, he:
A: Pulls away, kisses you
B. Pulls away, shoots somebody
C: Has his hands all over you
The correct answers are: This isn't funny, and cops are literately shooting people under questionable pretenses.
Listen, I've had my gripes with Seventeen in the past. Especially the advice they gave me about what to do when you find out your crush likes you, while having your first period, and when your little brother is tying up the phone line by being on AOL. But In the end, they might be on to something with this one.
I don't think dating a cop is the best direction to take at your age. You're going to have a bunch of years later on in life to feign interest with the cop-soulmate of your nightmares about how shitty the new X-ray guy at city hall is, or how much of a pussy Ramirez was for ordering a Greek salad at lunch. In the meantime, I think it would be best if you tried out guys who talk about the Speak and Spell they circuit-bent to sound like the robot chick from "Small Wonder" more than how your day was. Or perhaps the dude in his mid-thirties who holds grudges against you for not giving a fuck about Nigerian hip-hop. Both of them wont be constantly diverting their attention away from you toward the Burning Man shithead who is weeping passionately about the nutritional benefits of lentils, or laying their gun on the table and staring you directly in the eye every time you order a Greek salad.
If Boots Riley is available as a wingman, then I might actually have a chance at taking Tom Morello to that bed and breakfast in Bodega Bay that I've always wanted to. It turns out that sending him thousands of letters written with my own blood never really worked.